Talking to you.

If making me feel loved secure and amazing was your aim. Then you failed. I wanna ring you tomorrow. I don't know the words to say to convey my disappointment, my hurt, my despair, my concern about whether you know how to do the right thing or not. I've been here so many times before and it turns out they always knew what to do to make me feel loved but they were too busy trying to make others feel loved so had none left over for me. I hope I'm wrong but no effort is no effort

You make the ordinary beautiful

I want you for all the things that that you make wonderful.
Waking up
Walks down the street
Moments at home
I want you to be my delicious secret

Hate you

I hate you so much.I really really can't stand you. I feel like you only want to smother me. Everyone else witholds love cos they don't get what they want from me. I know now but I still hate you. You try to insult me scare me into hiding my needs. Its not working what will you try next?

Man in the Mirror

It's not the same when I look at me. I don't see that same amazing, sexy woman that you see. I don't see anything. Can't I have you, please? I don't want to start over again with someone else. I don't want you,you are not right for me, but I miss everything you represent, an end to lonliness, a person to want me, someone else's take on what happened in my day.
Its cruel to me and to you, to be with you. Am I being cruel to myself by denying myself the pleasures of your company?
Life is so cruel and now I know why.I know the girls who do everything for their men only to find they don't reciprocate. To walk away hurting, trying to hurt them with their behaviour. But they never loved you any way and that's how player work. And that why brothers never let you put up with a guy mistreating you. Cos they know, they feel it too.
They feel it too.
But I'm still lonely and I still can't replicate the way I feel when you look at me that way.

I miss you

But I'm glad you are out of my life. I'm praying for the day I don't want you anymore.
That I don't miss you and when I don't long for the sound of your voice.

I wish I cared for you

This random blue swirl reminds me of you.Reminds me that Friday nights mean alot to me. But you never knew the right time to call or what to say or what to do. But that never really mattered anyway because I never really cared for you. I get it now. Why players play, why sayers say and why I need to hold on. I'm still holding on...

I wish this was my time

I see this flower and I see me. Nobody like me nobody I can connect to. I'm lost lost lost and I don't love anyone and I'm not loved in return. I don't want this I don't. I just don't.

I don't know where my soul is.

My mind is always in rewind. Always in reverse, trying to link the things I've done and cement all my memories. Reminding me of the the dumb things I've done.Then I think of you, slowly and surely you are slipping away. I am missing you. I am missing you. I am missing a part of my soul. It will grow back but its missing. I'm missing you.

I long for you

I long for you at all hours of the day.
Especially in the morning. When I wake up. I long to reach for you. To know you are there. I want to run my fingers through your hair feel the remnants of the gel. Stare into your eyes the colour of the ocean as the sun starts to go down. You smell of man from a can fresh and indistinguishable? Musk, goat sweat?
I see other boys who are manlier, taller but you are beautiful the soft place I can rest my head. I want to know you forever. I know I can trust you. I know what moves you what you like, what you hate.

Scream your name

Sometimes I want to scream your name. The way I did when we were together.
Because I want you to hear and know I miss you.
Because I want someone to find me and listen to all I have to say.
I'm so unhappy with you and I'm unhappy without you.

I hate empty spaces

image from http://iwishyouwerehere.tumblr.com

I hate empty spaces they stand for the inability to fill, a place recently vacated. Nothing, where something used to be.

I walk past the last place I saw you, where I hugged you goodbye, there was rubbish on the floor, an empty disused doorway. I couldn't hug you enough to make up for the fact I would never touch you again. You were pulling away because you didn't want to cry and I let you go as I didn't want to hit with you with the full force of my love. I don't want to hit you, watch you fall in love with me, drag me with you as you fell and then not be there to catch me as I fell. So I let you go, and watched you walk away.
I walked away and did not look back but I am drawn to that spot.I hate that spot it reminds me of you and all the times I cried when someone I loved was not there anymore.
The empty space is what you are left with when you are making the last walk through your childhood home to another place and you promise yourself you will come back but you never do.
Empty space is what is left when your he moves out and takes your stuff with him.
Empty space is what you have left when you move away because even though he took evertything he could see, he didn't have you and kept bringing your possesions back, ripped or barely intact hoping you would follow, to save the rest.
Empty space is what you find in the new place because you have an empty walet and empty wallets never filled up empty spaces.
Empty space is quiet and you get used to it and you love again and live again and eveything is full again but still nothing fills that space. So you throw it all away and are back to empty.
Then he comes again and mocks the emptiness and tries to fill your space with everything of his, you beleive him baecuse its lonely and you have needs and his anoying voice sounds better than the silence to which you have been accustomed. And for a time his love was enough to drown out the sound of your own voice begging you to find something old and familiar.
Somewhere you realise that you hate his things and you have lost touch with the things you love and he is not a part of it and you push him out and you are left with the empty space and then there is you.
You are fresh and new and you still don't fill the empty space but you create one and that reminds me that I'm alone in an empy space and I want back the things that are familiar.
I want back the place that I used to be and the peole who I truly loved. I just want back me. I want back my space.

A letter I shoulda wrote to my daddy

I long to feel this way and I dread it. I want to be able to remmber being loved I want to be the subject of hundreds of love poems but I don't know how I could bear it ending.
I guess I 'd have to wait and cry and write a hundred heartbroken poems till you came back or till someone read them all and came to find the love in them, or maybe not.
I hate that when you are heartbroken they tell you that you will find someone else. Who will I love, that will let me love them like this? Will I let anyone run amock in my private space again? I guess I will cos I will get lonely.
I guess I will move on, and let time wipe you from my mind. That fact is brutal and kind. Helps me to forget love and forget pain.
I wish you had died instaed of walking away, that way when I tell people about you they won't think of me as a saddo who can't let go. I wish they knew that feeling, maybe they would cry with me, sigh with me, like you used to.
I miss you so much, please come back.

How to afford life

I worry sometimes about life. Everything has a price tag on it, even the feree things cost something.
How can I manage when I am all aone, no body, nothing helps. We all just shifting around the burden of expense.Couples shift it together.
Everyne ignores the things they can't have the small daily expenses. I wish that I could but I have this underlying nagging pain that never lets up.
Buying makes it stop for a second.
I give into the sluts that throw themselves at me, I am the softest touch and I can't even hate them, I keep going back.
I feel like a man looking at a blow up doll he needs and fears and despises.
Am I foolish to expext an end to need, its never ever daone.
Maybe I should expect it and stop dreading it.
That's what living rooms are for , right...

400 texts a day

↲So many message a day. But I'm still so lonely.↲Nobody gives me what I need I only get small sections. Just little parts I stitch them together my own little Frankenstein. I'm obliged to keep looking.↲I used to cope in the silence with no music or company. How did I cope? The sadness I carried must have been so heavy...

I'm so hungry

I remember you.
I know you are watching but you don't come forward. I am like the Marathon to you.
I feel like you have cheated me somehow, pretended you had the capacity to love me.
You see my capacity to love.
You want to revel in the poetry that flows from my fingertips. You want my fingertips across your skin.
You want me to give to you when you have nothing to give back.
You tell me you are being honest. I want to be honest to you too, I am hungry. I have been starving for beautiful words addressed to me, for a gentle touch, for a poet.
I'm now used to the fact that you all lie, with empty promises.

How to sleep without you

The last time I fell out of love I threw out my double bed and got a single bed so I'd never find the bed too big. ↲But so many nights alone, turned from weeks to years and another year, yet another year a few more months, then came you. You never spent the night in my arms and never will but I sit and night and miss you here in my narrow sleeping place. Even though I was the one who told you to go away.

So I can run free

↲So I can run away.Live my life free of you. That's what I'm prepared to do. But it hurts and I hate to hurt me no matter how necessary it is. I would never take a risk or do anything stupid ever, if I could.But I have to, I have to. I just want to promise you that unlike the people you have trusted before, I will always try to take the best option according to my knowledge and within the limited choice available to me.

The things from you

The things that come from you. They inspire me and make me whole. I am needy and run in circles. I love you.

Messages

I look at the messages on my phone. And so it is the person I kissed the person, the one I love and the one I can't forget are different people. What does desire care for the sanctity of a union or treasured desire.
If I do what I love will I get to do someone I can love? I beleive that I have to.

Something I read, that was written for me

I'm free of this feeling, it liberated me somehow. But as I read I was reminded of the despair and desolation. Of the countless ephemeral experiences that have made my life. I'm hungry so I must keep searching, I want to be a farmer of love, I want the wait and certainty of the harvest. Being a hunter gatherer is rarely fun if I barely manage a mouthful of food a day.
I free but I still remember the hurt. I'm not shocked you understand as I banked all my hopes on a beautiful stranger who know the words to say. I have found what I've been needing. I love you.

You deserve love

And so I do. Love is healer so I've been waiting on love to make it all better.I've been so wrong.

If I could stop

If I could stop needing then it wouldn't hurt when people disappoint me. How do I stop needing and will I lose a part of myself if I do? I can't lose myself anymore. ↲I just need an end to this neverending stream of pain. Nothing seems to lessen it. Everything makes it worse. I'm so so tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I want to write a love story

I want to write a love story about me and him. I want a beginning a hiccup where love concers all and for there to be no end. ↲
I'm sick of so many beginnings. The starts that I push out of my mind but I can't just throw away. ↲I write myself but I already have me. I guess I take myself for granted.

should have been me.

You are not here and I'm going to guess at all the things you are doing. All the things you are doing instead of loving me. All the trips you are planning that don't include me. All the texts you are sending that don't come to me. All the birthdays you are planning that are not mine. I want to hold my breath till you come to your senses and love me again. I don't want to breathe without you.

I must keep this secret.

I sit here with the stain of sugar in my mouth. Its all to forget that I miss you. I wish I smoked wear the evidence of my longing on the inside.

The pain of alone

It seems just anyone will do.

I can't believe that I touch you so much. That you are real. I wish I could love you but I can't. You could be so easy to love.

I'm only existing

I'm walking through I see nothing ahead, nothing behind. I keep moving because I see people occasionally go past. So I go in their direction.
I don't know why, it always more of the same thing, nothing.

On Our Love

Even though I wanted you. I think that you seduced me into loving you more than I wanted to. I'm glad you didn't try to hurt me or disappear but I'm even more scared to spend the next few years drinking in your tainted love.
Moving from being hungry to being poisoned, slowly.

Thinking out loud

It doesn't actually get the problem sorted. It just reminds you of all the things you've tried already so when you see something that you haven't tried, you remember that you should.

I wish I knew how to care

While other learned how to love, I learned how to hide my feelings bury them so they could not find their way back to heart.
Today I suffer cause I can't take it. I hear my feelings screaming for attention but I don't know how to reach them. I keep looking for someone who can do that for me. Complete the jobs I started.
I will never be able to love this way.

Sleep

Sometimes I don't sleep at all. I don't give myself permission to feel, because it hurts too much.
I talk to you on the phone, like its all ok. You never came to love. I am afraid every step of the way.

Forever and a day

I want to wait forever and a day for you. But its been years and I got lonely. Was I wrong?
Will you ever arrive? Have I already met you?

If you're not the one, who is?

If I have nothing to fear or to be envious of, what is this catching feeling in my heart and my soul. Why can't I just let it go? Words make my emotions beautiful when I write it down and look back but otherwise I am in agony. My emotions are a cruel master and you are my muse. I follow your lead and hope you see me through to the other side or I will drown trying. But I will not say here.